Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
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Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
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I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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