when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
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Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
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You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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