i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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