I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
