I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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