how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
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