I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
