Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
