You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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