why im i the only drunk person in the library?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
