I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
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