I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
