I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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