it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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