New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize