her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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