Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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