The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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