I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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