Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
