i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You need a sexual gate keeper
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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