I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
