Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
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it's not cheating when I paid for it
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
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I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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