I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
