you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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