she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
