The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
