I heard we made out
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
