I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
