Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
