She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
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I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
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I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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