Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
it hurts more in the daytime
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
