thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
