What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
