hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
