U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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