He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
