she woke up with a sticky ear
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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