Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
