i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
