Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
