sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
