Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
