Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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