Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
too bad you live with your parents still
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
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I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
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He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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