I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
