The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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