I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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