Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
