It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
