bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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