when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
