Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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