why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
