it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
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...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
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I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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