Dude my mom stole all your condoms
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
