i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Sober January is a disaster.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...