yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.